People often emphasize the importance ofsetting boundaries inromantic relationships orwith family, but they can bejust ascrucial—and just astricky tonavigate. One ofour readers reached her breaking point when her stepmother made ademeaning comment about her late mother during afamily gathering. What followed was amoment ofpublic reckoning that changed their dynamic forever.
Here isEmily’s letter:
Hello Bright Side,
Itwas the first time inawhile that the whole family, including mystepmom’s parents, had come together for ameal. Myactual mom passed away several years ago. And even though life has moved oninmany ways, her memory isstill very present for me—especially ondays like this.
I’d put onthe earrings she gaveme, likeI always dowhenI want tofeel close toher. Ididn’t expect them tobecome the center ofatense moment.
During dinner, mystepmom’s parents askedme, “Where did you get those lovely earrings?” Ismiled softly and said, “Mymom gave them tomebefore she passed. Iwear them every day tofeel close toher.”
Mystepmom quickly interrupted, “She’s not your mom anymore! I’m the one who raised you.” Ilaughed and said, “Are you trying topretend you care aboutme? You’re not doing agreat job.”
Her face dropped. She left the room. Mydad told melater thatI embarrassed her infront ofthe whole family.
Now she’s told mydad I’m “stuck inthe past” and making her feel unwanted. Hewants meto“just moveon.” But Idon’t think remembering mymom means I’m not moving forward. AmIbeing unfair?
Sincerely,
Emily
Thank you, Emily, for sharing your story and trustingus. It’s difficult tofind common ground with stepfamily, sowe’ve gathered tips for you tonavigate the situation.
Honor your grief without guilt.
Our culture often rushes people through grief, urging them to“moveon” instead oftruly processing what they’ve lost. But grief isn’t astraight path—it’s apersonal, emotional journey with ups and downs.
Remembering aloved one, like wearing apair ofearrings tofeel close toyour late mom, isn’t about being stuck inthe past. It’s about honoring aconnection that still matters. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting—it means carrying their memory with you asyou heal.
Set boundaries without burning bridges.
It’s important toremind yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong byhonoring your feelings and setting boundaries. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you were unfair—protecting your emotional space isvalid. Set boundaries with compassion; you can befirm while still expressing understanding.
When guilt creepsin, remember why you set the boundary inthe first place. Boundaries aren’t selfish—they help relationships thrive bycreating clarity and mutual respect. And finally, recognize your own limits; you’re allowed toprotect your time, energy, and emotions, especially insituations that feel hurtful oroverwhelming.
It’s okay tofeel conflicted.
Ashumans, wenaturally try tomake sense ofthe world byputting people and situations into simple categories like good orbad, right orwrong. This black-and-white thinking helpsus process things quickly, especially inafast-paced, overwhelming world.
While itcan beauseful mental shortcut, itdoesn’t always capture the full picture. Ifwerely onittoo much, werisk misunderstanding others and creating unnecessary emotional tension. Recognizing the gray areas can lead tomore compassion and healthier relationships.
You’re allowed todefend your memories.
Talking about and honoring our loved ones who have passed ishealthy and important, yet many cultures don’t make room for grief beyond the early mourning period. Weoften act asifthe absence fades, but the impact ofthat person—and the grief—remains. Making space for that ongoing connection can beapowerful part ofhealing. Italso helps others understandus better, including how wewere shaped bythat relationship. Indoingso, wekeep their legacy alive.
Coping with people who don’t share your emotional history.
Coping with people who don’t share your emotional history can bechallenging, especially when they dismiss ormisunderstand your feelings. Remember that your grief and experiences are valid, even ifothers can’t fully relate.
Try tocommunicate your emotions calmly and clearly, setting respectful boundaries when needed. Lean onthose who dounderstand—whether it’s close friends, support groups, oratherapist. Surrounding yourself with empathy makes iteasier tonavigate relationships where understanding islimited.
Ifyou’re struggling toset boundaries and reclaim your role asMom, this story—and the lessons itoffers—might bejust what you need.
